Here’s what I mean.
In the modern dating landscape, most people jump into relationships far too quickly.
They go out on one date with one person and then, within a few weeks are exclusive an monogamous.
A few months later, they move in together and, before either party knows it, they’ve spent years in a lackluster relationship that is now falling apart.
They assume that the other person is the problem.
That somehow, the constant conflict, nagging, and bickering is a result of the other persons faults and failings.
In reality, the relationship was doomed before it even started.
Not because either of them were bad people. Because they did not know how to filter out bad matches from the onset.
Here’s the deal.
In a healthy relationship, about 90% of the time you spend together should be fun, easy, and positive.
Only 10% of your time should be spent trying to fix problems and overcome challenges.
However…
In MOST relationships, this ratio is flipped. About 10% of the time you spend together (whether you acknowledge it or not) is spent having fun, being positive, and enjoying one another’s company. And the remainder of their time together is spent trying to solve unnecessary problems and reconcile irreconcilable differences.
But the question remains…
How do you avoid this?
With one word.
Filter.
Let me show you the three most powerful ways to do this.
1. Slow Down
Most relationships move too quickly.
So let’s simplify things, shall we?
If you want to have a long lasting and successful relationship, it starts by slowing down and cultivating certainty that the partner to whom you are committing is actually the right person for you.
And the ONLY way to do this is to spend more time with them before settling into a relationship.
Although there are no hard and fast rules regarding the timeline of love and attraction, there are a few guidelines I encourage you to follow.
Namely:
Do NOT become exclusive until you’ve been dating someone for at least 3 months
Do NOT move in together until you’ve been dating for at least one year.
Do NOT get married until you’ve been together for at least two years.
While these numbers might seem random, they’re not.
Recent studies on the science of love and attraction have revealed that the initial phase of lust—the part of your relationship when your brain is dumping pleasure chemicals and literally stopping you from seeing your partner for who they really are—lasts between 18 and 24 months.
Typically, you can expect the “love high” to die down significantly after the first 12 months and dissipate completely after 24—being replaced by either a lasting sense of love and affection or the realization that you are NOT with the right person.
By slowing things down and taking the time to get to know someone better, you will side step problems and avoid mismatched relationships more easily.
You might not want to do this, but if you care about the lasting quality of your relationships, then you MUST do it.
2. Date Multiple People at Once and Achieve Abundance
I’m going to be blunt here…
If you have only been on one date in the past month or are only “seeing” one person…You are not ready to commit.
The most successful relationships come from a place of abundance and options, not scarcity.
When you only have one romantic partner in your life, you don’t have options.
You have an option.
And by having such limited options, you are stripped of your power and immediately put in a place of scarcity and desperation.
However, if you are dating multiple people at the same time, going out with new partners on a regular basis, meeting and experiencing new people on a regular basis, the decision to settle down with ONE person is that much more powerful.
It’s like an employee looking for a new job.
If you only have one offer on the table, you’re going to take it no matter what. Even if the pay sucks, the hours suck, and you hate your boss, you need the money and will take the position whether you like it or not.
However, if you have multiple offers on the table, if you have dozens of employers fighting over you and trying to hire you, your decision will come from a place of abundance and certainty. You can choose the best option instead of the only option.
And it’s the same way with dating.
It’s much more powerful to SELECT one person from a pool of many because they are aligned with your values, add positivity and joy into your life, and because you genuinely love and connect with them than it is to date someone simply because they are available.
As such, I highly encourage you to actively date 3–4 people before settling down and committing to one.
Have more experiences. Discover what you like and what you dislike. Create more abundance in your life so that you have the power to CHOOSE the right person for your life.
This is one of THE most important elements of a long lasting and successful relationship.
3. Create a “Values Test” for Potential Partners
A simple, but wildly effective tactic for filtering potential partners is to put forth what I call a “Values Test”.
The premise is simple.
Assuming you have a strong understanding of your personal values (e.g. growth, learning, honesty, etc) you want to test potential partners to ensure they meet those particular value.
For example, you could go over to a lovers house and “accidentally” leave $40 on their kitchen table—seeing if they take the money for themselves of call to let you know you left it.
Or, you could ask them to attend something unconventional (but personally fulfilling) with you like a meditation class, personal development seminar, or day of volunteering.
The goal here is to give them an opportunity to show their true colors—proving they either align with or don’t align with your personal values.
You’re not being manipulative.
You’re trying to gauge their true character.
Oftentimes, especially during the early stages of a relationship, people glue on a facade of kindness and geniality in an attempt to manipulate another person into a committed relationship.
By creating simple tests (tests that you do not discuss with them one way or another), you will be able to understand who they really are before you’ve invested months or years of your life into a terrible relationship.
4. Create Your Non-negotiables
Another key to long lasting and successful relationships is to create and adhere to a specific list of non-negotiables.
This is a list of habits, behaviors, and characteristics that you WILL NOT tolerate in a partner no matter what.
For example, a few of mine are:
I will not date a woman with serious drug addiction
I will not date a woman who does not value physical health and longevity
I will not date a woman who does not share my commitment to personal growth and development.
I will not date a woman who is rude or mean to service staff or other individuals she feels are “beneath” her.
I will not date a woman who has been unfaithful to previous partners or has a history of risky sexual behavior (i.e. sleeping with multiple people without protection).
And it goes on and on.
You must remember that YOU, not the other person, are the most important person in your world.
And you have EVERY right to decide what you will and will not allow into your life.
You don’t owe a relationship to someone simply because you had sex once or went out on a few dates.
If there is a fundamental incongruence between what you want from a partner and what they bring to the table, cut your losses and move on.
Or… Enjoy spending the next 5 years in a bitter and toxic relationship.
It’s up to you.
5. Get External Feedback
Finally, and possibly most powerfully, you want to get external feedback on your relationships before committing.
Ask your friends and family what they think about your partner.
Spend time talking with their friends to see what kind of person they really are.
Talk to mentors and coaches about your relationship dynamic to gain insights into how you work together.
Take online quizzes around your personalities and compatibility (e.g. the Five Love Languages quiz).
Copied
