Wednesday, July 24, 2019

Reigning from Couplelands II

He’s met this phenomenal woman and everything seems perfect. They have sex regularly, he picks up the tab and gets her gifts regularly, she surprises him with tokens and gets him tickets to the baseball game (his favourite team is playing) the two of them take things to the next level and get engaged/married. They move in and start sharing a life together. Everything is new and exciting and they're in complete disbelief that they've married the love of their life! They start gym together and get a dog, post pictures of their amazing life on facebook.

They document every trip they take, every vacation, every date. They even update their relationship status on FB to “x & y are married” they receive hundreds of likes on pictures and tons of congratulatory comments on the change of status “ omg you two are perfect” “wow, couple goals”

Some time goes by, she gets pregnant, they start arguing about finances. He thinks that she spends too much on herself and contribute less to groceries and Bills. She thinks that he spends too much on new clothes, video games and eating out. Bills stack up, the dogs water bowl has been empty for days and one complains that they are always the one that refills it even though it's really not their dog. Laundry is never done because both parties are tired from work and one is pregnant.

Two kids later - she stops working to take care of the kids. Crayons and toys are all over the floor, the dog needs to be fed and desperately needs a walk, wet laundry has been sitting in the machine for two days, Bill's keep coming in, husband is busy at work and not at home until 8pm, he is tired when he gets home so all the pressure is on her to take care of the kids and household responsibilities.

Their sex life is practically non existant, there is just not enough hours in the day for intimacy. She pulls away from him and both parties feel neglected. They argue over everything and agree on practically nothing anymore.

Life has changed and they both wonder how they've gotten to this place of such unhappiness. Life is no longer fun, everything feels like a task, even coming home. They no longer talk, he keeps things bottled up inside and she cries in the shower. What complete strangers they've become. Responsibilities and everyday life has become too much. He starts noticing and complimenting his female co worker and they have long discussions about his problems at home over lunch. They form an emotional connection, something that hes lost with wife. He almost thinks of having an affair but he knows that it would ruin whatever is left of his marriage but “How would she find out ?”

To be continued...

Tuesday, July 23, 2019

Reigning from Couplands

Bringing a newborn home is a joyous, stressful, life-changing event—so it's no surprise that many couples find themselves running into relationship problems and arguing after having a baby. And if you find yourself in that boat, you're definitely not alone. Here's a roundup of some of the ways marriage changes after baby, and what you can do to keep your relationship strong.


The change
"If someone tells you that their marriage didn't change, they're not being honest with you. When you go from just you and your spouse to you, your spouse and a baby, things will change. Change isn't a bad thing—at least not always." 
Sound familiar? Remember when you thought baby was going to fit neatly into your old life without having to change a thing? Nope, not happening.
How to deal
Once you have a baby, you become painfully aware that your life now revolves around this little helpless being who needs you—and who despite having a pretty simple existence (eating, sleeping, pooping) needs round-the-clock care and undivided attention. Consider your world officially rocked—your relationship included. Accept it, and go with it!


Maybe hate is a strong word, but you might find yourself snapping at your partner a whole lot more than you used to. You might resent them a little for going to the gym while you're home on leave.
Here’s the good news: This does not mean you're headed for divorce. Some people call those early mood swings—likely a result of hormonal changes and sleep deprivation—the " baby blues." And they're normal, as long as they don't escalate into postpartum depression. Your hormones will eventually balance out—but you've also got to make up your mind to snap out of your bad mood.


The change
"We didn't really talk about how things were going to change once we had a baby. Sure, we talked about diapers and day care and discipline and stuff like that.If you had time to write a to-do list, there would be about 242 things on it—for a single day. So suffice it to say, a lot of stuff simply isn't going to get done. And way below the cutoff is "quality time" with your partner. Everyone will tell you to plan a date night, but you probably won't (and if you do, you might not enjoy it because your breasts are uncomfortably engorged or you might be worried about your sitter.
How to deal
There's something innate that bonds a woman and her baby, but a little time away from baby can do big things for your sanity. Remind yourself that you really should get away, even just for a little bit, and spend time with your partner, just the two of you. Everyone's right: It is good for your relationship. If it's hard now, just keep telling yourself to do it. Over time, it will get easier to tear yourself away from baby.
It's also important to openly talk to your partner about your emotional needs. Research shows that the single largest predictor of marital happiness is how you respond to your partner's "emotional calls"—aka your attempts to connect with each other. Marriage counseling can be a wonderful way to boost that connection (and it's not just for unsatisfied couples!).


Such a cliche, we know. But, at least temporarily, your sex life has probably taken a nosedive. You had to wait about six weeks after giving birth before having sex. And frankly, once you got the go-ahead from your doctor, you may not have actually felt ready to do it yet (yes, it may hurt—it won't be torture, but your body's been through a lot, and it will take time to get back to normal). Tack on exhaustion, stress, mood swings, potential dryness (down there) from breastfeeding and lack of romance with your partner, and it could be monthsbefore you’re in the mood.
Of course, you don't want to rush yourself if you're not ready, but you also want to communicate to your partner what's going on so they don’t think the lack of intimacy is their fault—or that it's going to be like this forever. (And definitely don't let it be like this forever—you both could use some good sex, are we right?)


It goes without saying that you love your baby more than anything—and to some extent, that may include your partner. (Well, maybe you don’t love baby more, just differently.) But you may not have predicted that, at least for a little while, you would practically forget that your partner exists.
How to deal
Try not to let it get in between you. Remember, you’re both crazy about baby, and there's no reason either of you should hurt each other's feelings because of it—if anything, use your shared love for baby to grow even closer.


From time to time, try to say "please" and "thank you," and maybe even use those pet names you used to call each other. Go out of your way to show a little kindness—it’ll go a long way. Need some extra help? There are now apps out there—like Lasting—that ask you some questions to get to know your relationship, and then map out a program to improve your communication and conflict skills and weave healthy habits and romantic rituals into your daily lives.


Okay, so we mentioned how your routine would change, but there are some things you used to do that were the foundation of your relationship: Watch trashy reality TV together, play Rock Band, read novels in bed and then switch when you were done. All that cool, fun, intimate stuff is gone—at least for now, while you have zero time to waste.
How to deal
You've got to challenge yourselves to bond while emptying the diaper pail and cleaning mashed sweet potatoes out of the high chair's crevices. Not sexy, but if you think about it, it's kind of sweet that you two are in this together.


Yes, there will be ups and downs, but something about having created a life together—and taking care of that life as a team—will bond you two in a whole new way. You may run into some bumps in the road, but you'll also likely look at your partner singing to baby in the middle of the night, or teaching her to play patty-cake, and fall in love with them all over again. Think of early parenthood as boot camp. If you guys can make it through this, you'll be prepared to make it through almost anything.