Thursday, November 30, 2017

Behind Every Excuse is the Real Reason

One of the things that I’ve recognised as a differentiator between healthy and unhealthy relationships is the presence of excuses, whether it’s yours and/or theirs. In the worst of situations where you may be denying, rationalising, and minimising, you may even be making excuses for their excuses which only goes to show how poor the original excuse was.
Just like how on the other side of a jumped boundary lies disrespect, on the other side of an excuse often not only lies at least some element of disrespect but also the real reason.
An excuse is a reason that is given to justify an offence or fault but its primary purpose is to lessen responsibility by getting you to overlook, excuse, or even forgive off the back of it. This of course is rather tricky because when there’s excuses it means that any commitment is being lessened, which means everything else tied to it becomes pretty flimsy. You may also be overlooking things that are busting up your boundaries.
People often get ‘reasons’ and ‘excuses’ mixed up because there appears to be some crossover. Excuses allow people to remain in their uncomfortable comfort zone, dodge conflict by avoiding honesty both with others and themselves, dodge accountability, and cast themselves in a better light.
Saying “The dog ate my homework” gives the impression that you’ve been a victim of misfortune and avoids conflict whereas saying “I couldn’t be arsed to do my homework” or “I forgot” makes you look lazy and lacking in conscientiousness.
Likewise saying “I’ve been really busy” gives the impression that you’re so busy (ya know busier than a world leader) that you haven’t had the time to contact or see them whereas saying “I’m not interested / am half-hearted / have been trying to get back with my ex” will not only have you in the position of saying something that most people squirm at and possibly inviting ‘conflict’, but if you’re the type of person that likes to hedge your bets, you may want to keep them as a rainy day option. If anything you’re hoping they’ll take the hint and do your job for you and at the worst of things, you may be hoping the excuse allows you to avail of their ‘usefulness’.

Excuses are inherently negative whereas things happen every day that are positive that have reasons behind them – that’s what a reason is; a cause or an explanation and yes sometimes a justification for something happening.
A reason doesn’t lessen responsibility or even act as an automatic precursor to being excused or forgiven and what I’ve found differentiates a genuine reason from an excuse is that when someone provides a reason for why something has or hasn’t happened, a solution is in the offing.
People who make excuses aren’t really looking to ‘make sh*t happen’ or find a solution that you can both live with, or even ‘rectify’ or make amends. Excuses are not real reasons; they’re BS ones.
In my post about ‘Sorry’, I explained how when someone gets on your case about accepting their apology or forgiving them that it really means:
“Look, can you hurry the eff up and accept my apology so I can stop feeling bad about it? You perceiving me as wronging/hurting/abusing/whatever you is terribly inconvenient and my ego doesn’t like the pinch of reality, so if you don’t mind, get a shuffle on, accept my apology and let’s move on so I can slam my palm down on the Reset Button. “
Well guess what? When someone uses an excuse, they’re really saying:
“Look, hurry the eff up and get off my case so I can get my shag / ego stroke / shoulder to lean on / money / perfect image back etc. You perceiving me as wronging/hurting/abusing/whatever you, is setting off my responsibility alarm bells which is setting off my reality alarm bells which is setting off my commitment, expectation, and intimacy alarm bells. The sooner I’m excused, the sooner I can get back to doing what I always do.”
Or “Look, can you hurry the eff up and get off my back because I’m only offering up this feeble justification for what I’ve said/done or failed to say/do because the real reason doesn’t sound too great when said out loud and may invite conflict, plus if I gave you the real reason, it would put me in the position of actually having to do something.”
Or “Please reduce your expectations of me and this relationship immediately.”
Sometimes, they’re even saying “Look, you know and I know what’s happened here but if you want to go along with this charade, I’ll throw you an excuse and see how much more of a free ride I can get.”
Sometimes, they’re saying, “Wow, it seems like you don’t seem to see what’s really going on here! Can’t you see I ain’t sh*t?!/ Can’t you see that I clearly am not putting in the time and effort here? Hmmm…well I won’t be direct with you because I don’t want to look like the bad guy here, so I’ll palm you off with this excuse in the hope that you get the hint. And if you don’t, well it’d be almost rude not to avail of what’s on offer…”
Often it’s literally “I cannot be arsed to put some real effort into a real reason.”
And when you make excuses for their excuses “I’m telling you….I’m not leaving! You’re the best thing I’ve never had or only had for a short time before the Future Faking ended and I don’t want to let go of the fantasy because then I’d have to see and accept some uncomfortable things and even get out of my comfort zone. You’re gonna love me!” – Note, best read as if singing with Jennifer Hudson’s voice.
And when you make excuses for yourself “I’m not really looking to find a solution or take any action that would involve making a decision and leaving my comfort zone.”
Behind every excuse is the real reason.
Sometimes it simply boils down to “I don’t want to try” and what’s really important is that you don’t clog up your life with excuses whether it’s yours or theirs because you’ll become a person of inaction that doesn’t make decisions. Excuses, especially when we buy into them make things appear more complicated than they are.
The next time you’re presented with an excuse, it’s time to ask “So what does this mean?” or “So what happens next?” I remember when Dot Dot Dot Man told me how busy he was for the umpteenth time and how he’s not ready for a relationship and I told him that he clearly doesn’t have time for a relationship and this meant that our ‘relationship’ was over.
That’s what it meant and that’s what happens next when someone keeps excusing themselves for not having the time, energy, decency or even ability to evolve into a copilot in your relationship.
Trust me when I say that when someone is looking to maintain the status quo and keep palming you off with excuses, no solutions are on the horizon, after all, if they’re the one making the excuses, they have to be a part of the solution, which means they have to be responsible in the relationship, which means that excuses become redundant.
You’ll know you’re in a healthy relationship when you don’t have to listen to excuses or make excuses. Instead of accepting excuses, start accepting the reasons.
Your thoughts?

Wednesday, October 4, 2017

Life Goals-Contentment



Life is beautiful, yes… but if I say to you that you should enjoy its beauty and be content with what you have, am I saying you shouldn’t try to achieve more? I don’t think so. I look at finding contentment as putting an end to strife, not putting an end to striving. Don’t ever stop improving. It does not hinder you to better your condition in this world, in your family or in your career.

You may want more, but as long as you appreciate what you have, there can be no wrong in seeking to better yourself. As the saying goes, be thankful for the life you have while fighting for the life you want. While doing that, though, give contentment a special place in your life because discontentment benefits no one. All it does is push you towards negativity which harms not only you, but also everyone connected to you.


Damages of Discontentment
Jealously, comparison, restlessness, depression, and aggression are the major factors of discontentment. Discontentment leaves deep scars on your soul and sometimes damages life in such a way that the damage is irreparable.Discontentment is lust for money, material pleasure, fame, prestige and power. The result is rivalry, bitterness, greed, covetousness and jealously. Cut throat competition crops up everywhere be it career, family or academic levels. No one is satisfied with what they have. Self-sufficiency has taken the backseat.Have we ever thought about what we are getting from these things? Are we benefiting from these feelings or actions? If the answer is No, then why not get better at finding contentment?

Contentment in Life and Peace
There are two tents: content and discontent. It is up to you which one you live in. If contentment is profit, discontentment is loss; if contentment is happiness then discontentment is sadness. Contentment leads you to peace, happiness, self-sufficiency and love towards human beings and spirituality.

Make a checklist and find out whether you are closer to finding contentment, or further away now than ever.

  •     What is important for you?
  •     Are you happy?
  •     What makes you happy?
  •     Which of your needs are not being met?



If you find out the answers to your happiness are things that come from within yourself then you are contended.

Finding contentment in life is the key to happiness which brings us internal, and eternal, peace. A contented mind free of turbulence. That helps foment positive thinking. Contentment is an instrument in shaping your life. All the worldly things (riches and power) are worthless without contentment. It is an investment which gives you inner peace, love, harmony and connectivity to God, and that is something which money can never buy.

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Emotional Independence



There are two trees growing right beside each other. They hold their own weight, each is able to stand without the support of the other. However, the trees are stronger when they have the other to lean on. When the heavy winds blow, they lean on each other for strength. But they are not helpless alone.
You and your partner are the trees. You’re stronger together, but you’re still strong alone. Now, you may not feel like this at the moment, you may feel more like a vine growing around a tree: If the tree falls, you go down with it. Completely attached to every motion.
By showing your partner that you are strong with them, but also strong alone, it becomes more real to you. Practice thinking that way, and talking that way. If you’re anything like me, that will surely help.
Emotional independence is nothing more than the power to make choices and the integrity to align those choices with our needs.

Most of us fundamentally misunderstand emotional independence. We think it means not needing anyone or being alone. It is nothing more than the power to make choices and the integrity to align those choices with our needs. We can choose the peace and simplicity of solitude, or we can embrace the excitement of intimacy and the complexity of long-term companionship. Either way, we must understand these are choices we make, not choices that have been made for us. Mastering the five keys to emotional independence not only frees you to make personal choices that serve you but also enables you to close the door on pathways—and people—who don’t.

You are responsible for your own emotions. This means you—and not another person’s words, actions, beliefs, or lack thereof—are responsible for how you feel at any given moment. A person may say or do something hurtful, your partner may not keep hers/his word on you or badmouth you to a friend, but the feelings of hurt, disappointment, anger and whatever else constitutes your reaction—these originate, exist in, and belong to you. Think about how you take care of a house or car you own as opposed to one you lease or rent, and apply this attitudinal shift to your feelings. You’ll start taking care of yourself—and others—differently.

You are responsible for managing your own emotions. This sounds so similar to the first point that you may ask, why bother? But the distinction is crucial. Because the emotions you feel originate in you, it is up to you to deal with them and formulate a mature, healthy, and effective response—as opposed to simply reacting. In addition, if you consistently experience unhealthy emotions that influence your actions, it is up to you and you alone to manage your moods to minimize their destructive impact on the people you love. Abusers are people who lack emotional control and won’t own the need to get help. Instead, they say their partners made them do it. Making your partner or anyone else your emotional caretaker, using another person as a punching bag for your self-loathing or as medicine for your illness, creates a dangerous co-dependency and a toxic dynamic that will eventually destroy your relationship.

You are never responsible for another person’s emotions or for managing their moods. It doesn’t stop you from being sympathetic, empathetic, and compassionate when someone you care about is hurting. You can minister to people in distress, try to soothe their pain, and help them heal. Pray for them. But ultimately, any treatment you apply is topical, for external use only; it may alleviate the symptoms, but it won’t cure the disease, and your help is a gift and not an obligation. Even if you help someone change the way he or she feels about something, remember you didn’t change the person—you only helped that person learn how to change themselves. Real, lasting change only comes from inside.

Never, ever take the bait. People who don’t practice the first 2 points don’t accept the third one. Will try their hardest to make you responsible for how they feel and what they do, especially when those feelings and actions hurt you. This is the heart of relationship dysfunction. Remember the third point. You’re not responsible. Obviously this doesn’t absolve you or give you carte blanche to enrage or hurt others. But it does free you from the suffocating stranglehold an emotionally unhealthy person can place on your psyche, and it enables you to walk away from situations orchestrated to draw you in, induce a predictable reaction, start a fight, and pull you down to the other person’s level. Keep your head above water, and don’t take the bait.

Practice consistency. Emerson called it the hobgoblin of small minds, but consistency is the fifth and most critical key to achieving and maintaining emotional independence. You may fall short at times, fall back into old habits, get caught up or drawn into someone else’s drama because it suits your own momentary needs, and begin to feel responsible for another actor’s lines. We all do. When this happens, remember that you’re the author, producer, and director of your own play. You set the stage. You cast the characters. You choose the part you want. You operate the lights and curtain. And you get to take the bow. It’s your show and no one else’s.

Dedicated to You!!!

Monday, July 31, 2017

Desolate and Disoriented!



Are you feeling lost and unwanted, like no one cares about you? Hang on. The most important thing to remember when you feel all alone in this world is that it’s a natural – and even healthy – part of being human.
Your “lost and alone” feelings are actually a good thing, believe it or not! It means you’re in touch with your authentic self. You’re alive and real, self-aware and insightful. You’re not stuffing your feelings down or hiding behind walls. You’re actually allowing yourself to be real. It hurts, but being real is the best way to live.

If you’re feeling unwanted and lonely because you lost someone you love, then you need to create a new “normal life” for yourself. If you’re depressed because of a breakup, then you need to rebuild a new life that is more fulfilling and interesting than the one you left behind. If you’re devastated because you were rejected and you really do believe no one cares about you, then you need to take a deep breath and remind yourself of what is true, good, and pure.
This is work only you can do. What was your old life like? It’s time to let it go. What will the new normal in your life be? You can do this – you can recreate your life. And it may be even brighter and more beautiful than you can imagine.

The other day I was at a friend’s for dinner, and I told her that I want to move to a new town. Kampala is beautiful, but it’s crowded and busy. I want to live more simply and quietly.
My friend told me that I don’t know how much I’ll be missed by my friends and community here. I wave her away, saying that I actually haven’t connected with many people at all. She disagreed. She said I really don’t have a clue about how much I matter.

What if it’s the same for you? Maybe you feel unwanted and like no one cares about you…but is it possible that there is one person who really does love you? Yes. It is possible. In fact, it’s probably true. Turn your thoughts and attention towards that person when you’re feeling like no one cares. Soak up her love, and remind yourself that you aren’t alone.

You’re fully alive when you’re feeling alone
The reason you’re struggling with feeling unwanted is because you’re actually tuning in to how you really think and feel. This is painful – but it is the best way to live!

When you tell yourself “no one cares about me”, you’re being brave and strong enough to face your true feelings. Do you know how rare this is? Most of us distract ourselves from feeling unwanted and alone by surfing the internet, spending money, making money, doing drugs, seeking adrenalin rushes. Some of us don’t notice our feelings of being lonely because we’re caught up in our families, parenting, jobs, responsibilities, and relationships. But eventually the distraction is taken away, such as with a breakup or death of a loved one, which I talk about in Words of Comfort When Your Heart is Broken.



You are in touch with your true, deepest, most real self.Something is calling you. Do you not perceive it? You are feeling unwanted and you are acting on those feelings because you have a purpose on this earth. You were put here for a reason, and these feelings that no one cares will help you find your purpose. This is happening for a reason. You found “She Blossoms” for a reason. This isn’t just about feeling unwanted and like no one cares about you…this is part of a deeper, more important calling on your life.

Your job is to keep listening for that still small voice. To do that, you need to take time alone. “The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be.” – Anne Frank.

You will get through this and be happy again!
It’s lonely and sad to feel like no one cares about you. It hurts. Even though I’m an optimist and I always look on the bright side without even trying, I know what it feels like to be alone in this world. It’s a gray, empty, sad feeling. I’m almost always happy, but even I have to admit that it’s terrible to feel unwanted, lost, and alone

Even Happy Positive Cheerful Energetic Me knows that these feelings are heavy, gray, and suffocating. One of the best ways to cope when you feel like no one cares is to remember that these feelings will pass. You will get through this, and you will feel happy again.

If you write about how alone you feel, you may heal faster
Don’t suppress your feelings. It’s not fair – and it’s devastating – that you have to cope with the shadowy side of being human.But you will make it worse if keep your emotions bottled up. Don’t swallow your feelings of being unwanted. Don’t hide the truth. Be honest with someone you trust when you feel like no one cares. And, LISTEN to the response you get. I bet you’ll hear people say they know how you feel, they feel the same way…and they love you.

But, don’t expect people to fill the hole in your heart and soul. Only God (or whatever you call your Higher Power) can do that. He created you, and He knows what you need. Nothing and no one else can care about you the way God does. Not relationships, parents, partners, food, sex, shopping, drugs, Facebook, or even Blossom newsletters can replace what only God can give you.
You can gain strength from an ancient source of wisdom
Turn to Ecclesiastes in the Bible. There’s something comforting in the wise writer’s words, even though they’re full of pain and loneliness! Maybe that’s why it helps. The writer – King Solomon – shares how meaningless life is, how lonely, sad, and alone he feels. He says nothing makes him happy, not money or wine or even wisdom. He ends by saying that the only solution is to fear God and obey His commandments.

Why that makes me feel better, I don’t know…I guess it’s because it helps me see that we’re all suffering, we all go through bouts of loneliness and meaninglessness…even people who lived more than 2,000 years felt the ‘lostness’ and unhappiness we feel. It’s just part of being alive.

IT SHALL PASS!! THERE IS HOPE