Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Emotional Independence

There are two trees growing right beside each other. They hold their own weight, each is able to stand without the support of the other. However, the trees are stronger when they have the other to lean on. When the heavy winds blow, they lean on each other for strength. But they are not helpless alone.
You and your partner are the trees. You’re stronger together, but you’re still strong alone. Now, you may not feel like this at the moment, you may feel more like a vine growing around a tree: If the tree falls, you go down with it. Completely attached to every motion.
By showing your partner that you are strong with them, but also strong alone, it becomes more real to you. Practice thinking that way, and talking that way. If you’re anything like me, that will surely help.
Emotional independence is nothing more than the power to make choices and the integrity to align those choices with our needs.

Most of us fundamentally misunderstand emotional independence. We think it means not needing anyone or being alone. It is nothing more than the power to make choices and the integrity to align those choices with our needs. We can choose the peace and simplicity of solitude, or we can embrace the excitement of intimacy and the complexity of long-term companionship. Either way, we must understand these are choices we make, not choices that have been made for us. Mastering the five keys to emotional independence not only frees you to make personal choices that serve you but also enables you to close the door on pathways—and people—who don’t.

You are responsible for your own emotions. This means you—and not another person’s words, actions, beliefs, or lack thereof—are responsible for how you feel at any given moment. A person may say or do something hurtful, your partner may not keep hers/his word on you or badmouth you to a friend, but the feelings of hurt, disappointment, anger and whatever else constitutes your reaction—these originate, exist in, and belong to you. Think about how you take care of a house or car you own as opposed to one you lease or rent, and apply this attitudinal shift to your feelings. You’ll start taking care of yourself—and others—differently.

You are responsible for managing your own emotions. This sounds so similar to the first point that you may ask, why bother? But the distinction is crucial. Because the emotions you feel originate in you, it is up to you to deal with them and formulate a mature, healthy, and effective response—as opposed to simply reacting. In addition, if you consistently experience unhealthy emotions that influence your actions, it is up to you and you alone to manage your moods to minimize their destructive impact on the people you love. Abusers are people who lack emotional control and won’t own the need to get help. Instead, they say their partners made them do it. Making your partner or anyone else your emotional caretaker, using another person as a punching bag for your self-loathing or as medicine for your illness, creates a dangerous co-dependency and a toxic dynamic that will eventually destroy your relationship.

You are never responsible for another person’s emotions or for managing their moods. It doesn’t stop you from being sympathetic, empathetic, and compassionate when someone you care about is hurting. You can minister to people in distress, try to soothe their pain, and help them heal. Pray for them. But ultimately, any treatment you apply is topical, for external use only; it may alleviate the symptoms, but it won’t cure the disease, and your help is a gift and not an obligation. Even if you help someone change the way he or she feels about something, remember you didn’t change the person—you only helped that person learn how to change themselves. Real, lasting change only comes from inside.

Never, ever take the bait. People who don’t practice the first 2 points don’t accept the third one. Will try their hardest to make you responsible for how they feel and what they do, especially when those feelings and actions hurt you. This is the heart of relationship dysfunction. Remember the third point. You’re not responsible. Obviously this doesn’t absolve you or give you carte blanche to enrage or hurt others. But it does free you from the suffocating stranglehold an emotionally unhealthy person can place on your psyche, and it enables you to walk away from situations orchestrated to draw you in, induce a predictable reaction, start a fight, and pull you down to the other person’s level. Keep your head above water, and don’t take the bait.

Practice consistency. Emerson called it the hobgoblin of small minds, but consistency is the fifth and most critical key to achieving and maintaining emotional independence. You may fall short at times, fall back into old habits, get caught up or drawn into someone else’s drama because it suits your own momentary needs, and begin to feel responsible for another actor’s lines. We all do. When this happens, remember that you’re the author, producer, and director of your own play. You set the stage. You cast the characters. You choose the part you want. You operate the lights and curtain. And you get to take the bow. It’s your show and no one else’s.

Dedicated to You!!!

Monday, July 31, 2017

Desolate and Disoriented!

Are you feeling lost and unwanted, like no one cares about you? Hang on. The most important thing to remember when you feel all alone in this world is that it’s a natural – and even healthy – part of being human.
Your “lost and alone” feelings are actually a good thing, believe it or not! It means you’re in touch with your authentic self. You’re alive and real, self-aware and insightful. You’re not stuffing your feelings down or hiding behind walls. You’re actually allowing yourself to be real. It hurts, but being real is the best way to live.

If you’re feeling unwanted and lonely because you lost someone you love, then you need to create a new “normal life” for yourself. If you’re depressed because of a breakup, then you need to rebuild a new life that is more fulfilling and interesting than the one you left behind. If you’re devastated because you were rejected and you really do believe no one cares about you, then you need to take a deep breath and remind yourself of what is true, good, and pure.
This is work only you can do. What was your old life like? It’s time to let it go. What will the new normal in your life be? You can do this – you can recreate your life. And it may be even brighter and more beautiful than you can imagine.

The other day I was at a friend’s for dinner, and I told her that I want to move to a new town. Kampala is beautiful, but it’s crowded and busy. I want to live more simply and quietly.
My friend told me that I don’t know how much I’ll be missed by my friends and community here. I wave her away, saying that I actually haven’t connected with many people at all. She disagreed. She said I really don’t have a clue about how much I matter.

What if it’s the same for you? Maybe you feel unwanted and like no one cares about you…but is it possible that there is one person who really does love you? Yes. It is possible. In fact, it’s probably true. Turn your thoughts and attention towards that person when you’re feeling like no one cares. Soak up her love, and remind yourself that you aren’t alone.

You’re fully alive when you’re feeling alone
The reason you’re struggling with feeling unwanted is because you’re actually tuning in to how you really think and feel. This is painful – but it is the best way to live!

When you tell yourself “no one cares about me”, you’re being brave and strong enough to face your true feelings. Do you know how rare this is? Most of us distract ourselves from feeling unwanted and alone by surfing the internet, spending money, making money, doing drugs, seeking adrenalin rushes. Some of us don’t notice our feelings of being lonely because we’re caught up in our families, parenting, jobs, responsibilities, and relationships. But eventually the distraction is taken away, such as with a breakup or death of a loved one, which I talk about in Words of Comfort When Your Heart is Broken.

You are in touch with your true, deepest, most real self.Something is calling you. Do you not perceive it? You are feeling unwanted and you are acting on those feelings because you have a purpose on this earth. You were put here for a reason, and these feelings that no one cares will help you find your purpose. This is happening for a reason. You found “She Blossoms” for a reason. This isn’t just about feeling unwanted and like no one cares about you…this is part of a deeper, more important calling on your life.

Your job is to keep listening for that still small voice. To do that, you need to take time alone. “The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be.” – Anne Frank.

You will get through this and be happy again!
It’s lonely and sad to feel like no one cares about you. It hurts. Even though I’m an optimist and I always look on the bright side without even trying, I know what it feels like to be alone in this world. It’s a gray, empty, sad feeling. I’m almost always happy, but even I have to admit that it’s terrible to feel unwanted, lost, and alone

Even Happy Positive Cheerful Energetic Me knows that these feelings are heavy, gray, and suffocating. One of the best ways to cope when you feel like no one cares is to remember that these feelings will pass. You will get through this, and you will feel happy again.

If you write about how alone you feel, you may heal faster
Don’t suppress your feelings. It’s not fair – and it’s devastating – that you have to cope with the shadowy side of being human.But you will make it worse if keep your emotions bottled up. Don’t swallow your feelings of being unwanted. Don’t hide the truth. Be honest with someone you trust when you feel like no one cares. And, LISTEN to the response you get. I bet you’ll hear people say they know how you feel, they feel the same way…and they love you.

But, don’t expect people to fill the hole in your heart and soul. Only God (or whatever you call your Higher Power) can do that. He created you, and He knows what you need. Nothing and no one else can care about you the way God does. Not relationships, parents, partners, food, sex, shopping, drugs, Facebook, or even Blossom newsletters can replace what only God can give you.
You can gain strength from an ancient source of wisdom
Turn to Ecclesiastes in the Bible. There’s something comforting in the wise writer’s words, even though they’re full of pain and loneliness! Maybe that’s why it helps. The writer – King Solomon – shares how meaningless life is, how lonely, sad, and alone he feels. He says nothing makes him happy, not money or wine or even wisdom. He ends by saying that the only solution is to fear God and obey His commandments.

Why that makes me feel better, I don’t know…I guess it’s because it helps me see that we’re all suffering, we all go through bouts of loneliness and meaninglessness…even people who lived more than 2,000 years felt the ‘lostness’ and unhappiness we feel. It’s just part of being alive.


Tuesday, July 25, 2017

This Morning Had The Potential To Get Messy.

I received fantastic news amidst an acrid plight. I was literally seething and it took me 19 minutes to process the good tidings. I was going crook trying to contain the whole situation of my surroundings.

Anger is an excellent impetus for change, however, it’s not the change itself. And once I realized that the people who pissed me off weren’t going to change on behalf of my internal rage with their actions, I realized that I was the one who had to change. I had to reconsider and reboot this precious little gem called perspective—the slant from which I interpreted these people who vexed me off so much.

That process began and ended with one simple question: How are these people any different from me?

Every single one of us is human, and so we’re all more or less alike in our biological tendencies rooted in progress in the face of obstacles—our commonalities under this human condition. And because of this condition, we are unavoidably subject to our experiences; no one and nothing exists in isolation as we’re all affected by everything with which we come into contact, for better and for worse. And though our individuality makes it so that each of us interprets our experiences to manifest in uniquely tailored ways, the purposes behind those interpretations and manifestations all come down to survival. To working with the circumstances and pressing onward, even if “pressing onward” doesn’t manifest in the most beneficial way.

I’ve learned that when people piss me off, there’s no use in staying pissed off at them for more than about a minute. There is, however, a world of good in shifting my perspective to one of compassion, and it goes something like this:

“You piss me off. What you’re doing (obsessing over yourself/committing crimes and acts of hatred/bullying/hurting people/complaining about nothing/seeking power for no real reason/etc.) makes me angry and my insides are screaming at you for it. However, I understand that you are this way and you do this for a reason—perhaps for the same reasons I am the way I am and I do the things I do. We’re different, and so we react to those reasons differently; but we’re the same in that we’re just trying to press onward from wherever it was that something went wrong.”

Anger makes you feel powerful
Since anger can’t *poof* the situation into what we want it to be, we turn toward empowerment. We allow our anger to be our authority.

 See, our need for control is essentially a power struggle with the rest of the world. Our gremlins want us to be in control of everything internal and external. And when we aren’t in control, our gremlins feel threatened, as if someone or something is trying to take away our power.

But superiority is an illusion. We’ll never have it. Which just perpetuates our anger.

So we choose to hold steadfast onto this notion that a display of anger instills power, fear, authority over circumstance and people. And when someone pisses us off, we choose anger as our weapon in a desperate attempt to salvage our self-worth.

Yet we quickly find that anger isn’t worth much at all.

The most powerful thing you can do

When someone pisses you off, expressing anger will not prove your superiority. It will only leave you powerless to the situation and cast you into a deep hole of self-loathing.

But I know something you can do. Something that will make you the most powerful person in your life.

Ok, here it is.

This is the most powerful thing you can do when someone pisses you off:

  •     Don’t think about that person.
  •     Don’t let that person occupy any real estate in your mind.
  •     Don’t allow that person to occupy a vacancy in your thought stream.
  •     Don’t keep that person alive and real in your life.
  •     Mentally let that person go.

We say that deceased people “live on” when we remember them. We visit graves, we play their favorite song, we look at a photo of them.

But they are not alive physically. Their body no longer exists on the earth in the same form as when we knew them. Regardless of our belief of what happens to people when they die, they remain part of our reality simply because we think of them.

Same goes for the living.

Whenever we think of a person, we keep that person alive in our minds.

Therefore, if the presence of someone is weighing on you, release that person from your thoughts. Then they’ll no longer be present.
To be clear, you’re not killing anyone. You are not a murder. I can it a self cleanse.

Okay, just to be very clear to my more literal readers, I’m not suggesting that we kill people in our thoughts.

I repeat: I am not suggesting, insinuating, recommending, or anything else thereof, that we kill people in our thoughts or think about killing people.

Phewks, I think that was a decent enough disclaimer…  

Not thinking of someone releases the control their presence has on our thoughts. And if they aren’t physically present in front of us, then they aren’t actually present at all.

Maybe this is getting too deep, too abstract. I’ll back up.

When you allow someone to occupy your mind, you run the risk of victimizing yourself to their words and actions instead of taking responsibility for yourself. You run the risk of letting that person control the way you feel instead of controlling your feelings yourself.

By releasing someone from thought, forbidding them from occupying your precious mental real estate, you make a conscious choice to block any related incoming or outgoing negativity. You essentially take a leadership role in your life and prevent your circumstances from disturbing your inner peace and self-worth.

The Most Powerful Thing You Can Do When Someone Pisses You Off - Happy Life


Think about how you typically react when you feel angry.

Is your reaction productive? rational? worth feeling that way?

Take some time to really think about how you react whenever something doesn’t go your way. Think about past times when you became angry and didn’t handle yourself well. Then think about times when you became angry or dissatisfied and did handle yourself well.

Think about how you felt in each situation and what you could have done differently. Think about what worked and what you should continue doing.

And above all, think about anger in general and what it means to harbor it.

Think about where anger comes from, where it’s rooted, and why it grows.

And whenever you find yourself getting heated up, don’t think of anything at all.

It’s a beautiful Day