Tuesday, December 12, 2017

Important warnings in life?

You get up in the morning, drag yourself to your work. You come back home mentally and physically exhausted. You fume and complain. But you eat, go to sleep, get up next morning and again drag yourself to work. Day after day. Week after week. Month after month….. There is nothing wrong with the world around you. Either you have to change or your work needs to be changed.

You buy a treadmill and work on it for two hours a day for a week. And then you stop. A month passes. You look at the treadmill everyday after you return from work. You pity yourself that you are too tired and promise to start the next day. The next day never comes….. You need to get your motivation back before a scalpel or pills become the only option.

You get up in the morning and have a look at your mobile phone before you brush your teeth. You are browsing Facebook, Twitter, Instagram…. in your bed at night. You are on them when your mother is calling you to have dinner. You do not want to visit your friend in the neighborhood because you want to see what your one thousand virtual friends are commenting about your last post…. You need to return to the real world.

You keep on saying, ‘When I was your age, I did this,’ ‘When I was young, I could do that,’ ‘I did this’ and ‘I did that’….. You need to shift your focus to your goals in future.
You keep saying to yourself, ‘When I am thirty five, all my financial issues will have been resolved,’ ‘I will change my eating habits when I am thirty.’ ‘I will start losing weight when the new year begins’….. That day will never come. If you need to begin something, you have to begin it today.

Happy 3.0 RiRi

Go shiner on baby!!

Thursday, November 30, 2017

Behind Every Excuse is the Real Reason

One of the things that I’ve recognised as a differentiator between healthy and unhealthy relationships is the presence of excuses, whether it’s yours and/or theirs. In the worst of situations where you may be denying, rationalising, and minimising, you may even be making excuses for their excuses which only goes to show how poor the original excuse was.
Just like how on the other side of a jumped boundary lies disrespect, on the other side of an excuse often not only lies at least some element of disrespect but also the real reason.
An excuse is a reason that is given to justify an offence or fault but its primary purpose is to lessen responsibility by getting you to overlook, excuse, or even forgive off the back of it. This of course is rather tricky because when there’s excuses it means that any commitment is being lessened, which means everything else tied to it becomes pretty flimsy. You may also be overlooking things that are busting up your boundaries.
People often get ‘reasons’ and ‘excuses’ mixed up because there appears to be some crossover. Excuses allow people to remain in their uncomfortable comfort zone, dodge conflict by avoiding honesty both with others and themselves, dodge accountability, and cast themselves in a better light.
Saying “The dog ate my homework” gives the impression that you’ve been a victim of misfortune and avoids conflict whereas saying “I couldn’t be arsed to do my homework” or “I forgot” makes you look lazy and lacking in conscientiousness.
Likewise saying “I’ve been really busy” gives the impression that you’re so busy (ya know busier than a world leader) that you haven’t had the time to contact or see them whereas saying “I’m not interested / am half-hearted / have been trying to get back with my ex” will not only have you in the position of saying something that most people squirm at and possibly inviting ‘conflict’, but if you’re the type of person that likes to hedge your bets, you may want to keep them as a rainy day option. If anything you’re hoping they’ll take the hint and do your job for you and at the worst of things, you may be hoping the excuse allows you to avail of their ‘usefulness’.

Excuses are inherently negative whereas things happen every day that are positive that have reasons behind them – that’s what a reason is; a cause or an explanation and yes sometimes a justification for something happening.
A reason doesn’t lessen responsibility or even act as an automatic precursor to being excused or forgiven and what I’ve found differentiates a genuine reason from an excuse is that when someone provides a reason for why something has or hasn’t happened, a solution is in the offing.
People who make excuses aren’t really looking to ‘make sh*t happen’ or find a solution that you can both live with, or even ‘rectify’ or make amends. Excuses are not real reasons; they’re BS ones.
In my post about ‘Sorry’, I explained how when someone gets on your case about accepting their apology or forgiving them that it really means:
“Look, can you hurry the eff up and accept my apology so I can stop feeling bad about it? You perceiving me as wronging/hurting/abusing/whatever you is terribly inconvenient and my ego doesn’t like the pinch of reality, so if you don’t mind, get a shuffle on, accept my apology and let’s move on so I can slam my palm down on the Reset Button. “
Well guess what? When someone uses an excuse, they’re really saying:
“Look, hurry the eff up and get off my case so I can get my shag / ego stroke / shoulder to lean on / money / perfect image back etc. You perceiving me as wronging/hurting/abusing/whatever you, is setting off my responsibility alarm bells which is setting off my reality alarm bells which is setting off my commitment, expectation, and intimacy alarm bells. The sooner I’m excused, the sooner I can get back to doing what I always do.”
Or “Look, can you hurry the eff up and get off my back because I’m only offering up this feeble justification for what I’ve said/done or failed to say/do because the real reason doesn’t sound too great when said out loud and may invite conflict, plus if I gave you the real reason, it would put me in the position of actually having to do something.”
Or “Please reduce your expectations of me and this relationship immediately.”
Sometimes, they’re even saying “Look, you know and I know what’s happened here but if you want to go along with this charade, I’ll throw you an excuse and see how much more of a free ride I can get.”
Sometimes, they’re saying, “Wow, it seems like you don’t seem to see what’s really going on here! Can’t you see I ain’t sh*t?!/ Can’t you see that I clearly am not putting in the time and effort here? Hmmm…well I won’t be direct with you because I don’t want to look like the bad guy here, so I’ll palm you off with this excuse in the hope that you get the hint. And if you don’t, well it’d be almost rude not to avail of what’s on offer…”
Often it’s literally “I cannot be arsed to put some real effort into a real reason.”
And when you make excuses for their excuses “I’m telling you….I’m not leaving! You’re the best thing I’ve never had or only had for a short time before the Future Faking ended and I don’t want to let go of the fantasy because then I’d have to see and accept some uncomfortable things and even get out of my comfort zone. You’re gonna love me!” – Note, best read as if singing with Jennifer Hudson’s voice.
And when you make excuses for yourself “I’m not really looking to find a solution or take any action that would involve making a decision and leaving my comfort zone.”
Behind every excuse is the real reason.
Sometimes it simply boils down to “I don’t want to try” and what’s really important is that you don’t clog up your life with excuses whether it’s yours or theirs because you’ll become a person of inaction that doesn’t make decisions. Excuses, especially when we buy into them make things appear more complicated than they are.
The next time you’re presented with an excuse, it’s time to ask “So what does this mean?” or “So what happens next?” I remember when Dot Dot Dot Man told me how busy he was for the umpteenth time and how he’s not ready for a relationship and I told him that he clearly doesn’t have time for a relationship and this meant that our ‘relationship’ was over.
That’s what it meant and that’s what happens next when someone keeps excusing themselves for not having the time, energy, decency or even ability to evolve into a copilot in your relationship.
Trust me when I say that when someone is looking to maintain the status quo and keep palming you off with excuses, no solutions are on the horizon, after all, if they’re the one making the excuses, they have to be a part of the solution, which means they have to be responsible in the relationship, which means that excuses become redundant.
You’ll know you’re in a healthy relationship when you don’t have to listen to excuses or make excuses. Instead of accepting excuses, start accepting the reasons.
Your thoughts?

Wednesday, October 4, 2017

Life Goals-Contentment

Life is beautiful, yes… but if I say to you that you should enjoy its beauty and be content with what you have, am I saying you shouldn’t try to achieve more? I don’t think so. I look at finding contentment as putting an end to strife, not putting an end to striving. Don’t ever stop improving. It does not hinder you to better your condition in this world, in your family or in your career.

You may want more, but as long as you appreciate what you have, there can be no wrong in seeking to better yourself. As the saying goes, be thankful for the life you have while fighting for the life you want. While doing that, though, give contentment a special place in your life because discontentment benefits no one. All it does is push you towards negativity which harms not only you, but also everyone connected to you.

Damages of Discontentment
Jealously, comparison, restlessness, depression, and aggression are the major factors of discontentment. Discontentment leaves deep scars on your soul and sometimes damages life in such a way that the damage is irreparable.Discontentment is lust for money, material pleasure, fame, prestige and power. The result is rivalry, bitterness, greed, covetousness and jealously. Cut throat competition crops up everywhere be it career, family or academic levels. No one is satisfied with what they have. Self-sufficiency has taken the backseat.Have we ever thought about what we are getting from these things? Are we benefiting from these feelings or actions? If the answer is No, then why not get better at finding contentment?

Contentment in Life and Peace
There are two tents: content and discontent. It is up to you which one you live in. If contentment is profit, discontentment is loss; if contentment is happiness then discontentment is sadness. Contentment leads you to peace, happiness, self-sufficiency and love towards human beings and spirituality.

Make a checklist and find out whether you are closer to finding contentment, or further away now than ever.

  •     What is important for you?
  •     Are you happy?
  •     What makes you happy?
  •     Which of your needs are not being met?

If you find out the answers to your happiness are things that come from within yourself then you are contended.

Finding contentment in life is the key to happiness which brings us internal, and eternal, peace. A contented mind free of turbulence. That helps foment positive thinking. Contentment is an instrument in shaping your life. All the worldly things (riches and power) are worthless without contentment. It is an investment which gives you inner peace, love, harmony and connectivity to God, and that is something which money can never buy.