There are two trees growing right
beside each other. They hold their own weight, each is able to stand without
the support of the other. However, the trees are stronger when they have the
other to lean on. When the heavy winds blow, they lean on each other for
strength. But they are not helpless alone.
You and your partner are the trees. You’re stronger
together, but you’re still strong alone. Now, you may not feel like this at the
moment, you may feel more like a vine growing around a tree: If the tree falls,
you go down with it. Completely attached to every motion.
By showing your partner that you are strong with them, but
also strong alone, it becomes more real to you. Practice thinking that way, and
talking that way. If you’re anything like me, that will surely help.
Emotional independence is nothing more than the power to
make choices and the integrity to align those choices with our needs.
Most of us fundamentally misunderstand emotional
independence. We think it means not needing anyone or being alone. It is
nothing more than the power to make choices and the integrity to align those
choices with our needs. We can choose the peace and simplicity of solitude, or
we can embrace the excitement of intimacy and the complexity of long-term
companionship. Either way, we must understand these are choices we make, not
choices that have been made for us. Mastering the five keys to emotional
independence not only frees you to make personal choices that serve you but
also enables you to close the door on pathways—and people—who don’t.
You are responsible
for your own emotions. This means you—and not another person’s words,
actions, beliefs, or lack thereof—are responsible for how you feel at any given
moment. A person may say or do something hurtful, your partner may not keep
hers/his word on you or badmouth you to a friend, but the feelings of hurt,
disappointment, anger and whatever else constitutes your reaction—these
originate, exist in, and belong to you. Think about how you take care of a
house or car you own as opposed to one you lease or rent, and apply this
attitudinal shift to your feelings. You’ll start taking care of yourself—and
others—differently.
You are responsible
for managing your own emotions. This sounds so similar to the first point
that you may ask, why bother? But the distinction is crucial. Because the
emotions you feel originate in you, it is up to you to deal with them and
formulate a mature, healthy, and effective response—as opposed to simply reacting.
In addition, if you consistently experience unhealthy emotions that influence
your actions, it is up to you and you alone to manage your moods to minimize
their destructive impact on the people you love. Abusers are people who lack
emotional control and won’t own the need to get help. Instead, they say their
partners made them do it. Making your partner or anyone else your emotional
caretaker, using another person as a punching bag for your self-loathing or as
medicine for your illness, creates a dangerous co-dependency and a toxic
dynamic that will eventually destroy your relationship.
You are never
responsible for another person’s emotions or for managing their moods. It
doesn’t stop you from being sympathetic, empathetic, and compassionate when
someone you care about is hurting. You can minister to people in distress, try
to soothe their pain, and help them heal. Pray for them. But ultimately, any
treatment you apply is topical, for external use only; it may alleviate the
symptoms, but it won’t cure the disease, and your help is a gift and not an
obligation. Even if you help someone change the way he or she feels about
something, remember you didn’t change the person—you only helped that person
learn how to change themselves. Real, lasting change only comes from inside.
Never, ever take the
bait. People who don’t practice the first 2 points don’t accept the third
one. Will try their hardest to make you responsible for how they feel and what
they do, especially when those feelings and actions hurt you. This is the heart
of relationship dysfunction. Remember the third point. You’re not responsible.
Obviously this doesn’t absolve you or give you carte blanche to enrage or hurt
others. But it does free you from the suffocating stranglehold an emotionally
unhealthy person can place on your psyche, and it enables you to walk away from
situations orchestrated to draw you in, induce a predictable reaction, start a
fight, and pull you down to the other person’s level. Keep your head above
water, and don’t take the bait.
Practice consistency.
Emerson called it the hobgoblin of small minds, but consistency is the fifth
and most critical key to achieving and maintaining emotional independence. You
may fall short at times, fall back into old habits, get caught up or drawn into
someone else’s drama because it suits your own momentary needs, and begin to
feel responsible for another actor’s lines. We all do. When this happens,
remember that you’re the author, producer, and director of your own play. You
set the stage. You cast the characters. You choose the part you want. You
operate the lights and curtain. And you get to take the bow. It’s your show and
no one else’s.
Dedicated to You!!!
