“You’ve changed!”
It’s
something that most of us have heard at some point in our lives, usually from a
former friend or someone who used to be much closer to us than they currently
are. Whoever says this to you usually means to
imply that they liked the “old” you better.
So,
now what?
Something
like this can be abrasive to hear – especially coming from someone that we once considered ourselves close to. And if you’ve
been doing special work to make some positive changes in your life to make yourself a
healthier and happier person, it can come as quite a shock to hear someone
being so unsupportive of your self-improvement.
To
hear someone so abruptly tell you that “you’ve changed!” in such a
negative manner can sometimes even be enough to scare
you back into ditching your new habits and retreating to the version of
yourself that you used to be. After all, if your friends/family have
a problem, your changes must be bad… right?
Most of the time, no. Here’s why:
When you make changes in your life
to improve your state of being (and these changes can take the form of either
actions or thoughts), this impact is felt throughout the circles of those
involved in your life. Think about it – if you’re changing the way you behave
or the way you think/speak, this is going to change the way that you interact
with those around you (even those that you’ve been interacting with for years).
And, subsequently, that means that those people will also have to change the
way that they interact with you.
Change is constant, and that's okay
Whilst
you might view your exercises in self-improvement as positive, affirming and
life-changing in the best of ways, not everyone will see them that way.
Often,
their views aren’t even related to the actual changes that you’re
making, but more to the act of change itself.
If
there’s one constant in life, it’s change. We’re all changing, growing and
evolving – constantly. And yet for some reason, so many of us have such
negative connotations that we tack on to the word “change”.
Some people take any change to mean something bad. Scary. Unpredictable. Change can be a confronting topic as
it means that there are some elements that are out of your control and unknown.
If
a friend has known you for years, chances are that the way you speak,
think and act will have become somewhat predictable to them – and by changing yourself,
you’ve suddenly shaken that up. From their
perspective, you’ve thrown an element of their world out of orbit
without consulting them or giving them any control over the situation.
But
while it’s natural for your friend or family member to be a little thrown off
at first, it’s unrealistic of them to expect you (or anyone else, for that
matter) to stay exactly as you were at a particular point in the
relationship.
Sure,
you’ve changed.
You’ve
stopped living your life according to the manner that they found most
appropriate to fit with their needs.
When someone says that you’ve changed:
You hear:“You’ve become an entirely different person and the person
that you’re becoming is bad! This is an ultimatum to change back into your
former self or else risk losing me as a connection entirely!”
But they most likely mean: “You’re becoming different in ways that I didn’t expect!
I don’t understand what this change means for you or the way that this will
impact me. I want you to stop changing because I don’t want anything in my
life to change!”
Unfortunately,
when friends, colleagues or family members feel confronted by your personal
changes, they can often become quite petty, nasty or even downright abusive to
you. The natural reaction is to start questioning whether your self-improvement
is the right path for you if it’s leading to people around you acting
incredibly negatively.
But
here’s the thing – you can’t control people’s
opinions. If you’re making changes in your life that are making you
feel more positive, happier, healthier and better in whatever other ways that
you’re experiencing, then you need to trust that.
People trying to control your changes probably don't have your best
interests at heart!
The
important thing to remember is that you aren’t fundamentally changing who
you are, and if those around you really enjoy you because of who you are as
a person, they’ll adjust. They’ll eventually try and understand and be
supportive.
If
they only liked you because of how you used to act/think/behave, then they’re
unlikely to remain in your life. Try not to be too upset by this because the
truth is, this would’ve happened eventually anyway. We all change,
constantly. Relationships based on such a fixed and narrow portion of life
rarely last the distance.
Affirmation:
I
am ever changing, and I am thankful for this. I have learned and grown
from my experiences and I take positive steps every day to mature and increase
my happiness. I am different than I was yesterday and tomorrow, I will be
different than I am today.
From
there, the ball is really in their court. And whatever they decide to do
is out of your control, much as the changes that you’ve decided to make are
outside of their control.
We all change, and that’s okay!
Don’t apologize for changing. All you can do is to be open and honest and let those
around you know why you’re making changes and how you hope
they’ll benefit your life. This is your life to
live, and you need to make sure that you’re the one in the driver’s seat.
The
more that all of us can make peace with the fact that things, people and
situations change, the happier and more accepting we can all be.
