ALWAYS AND ALL WAYS FOR ALL DAYS

Console A Friend

Your friend is absolutely, positively, 100 percent sure that she’s going to get the job she applied for recently. She’s so certain, the two of you agree to celebrate over dinner. Then she calls and says, dejectedly: “I can’t believe it. I didn’t get the job.”
What do you do?

Knowing how to handle this sensitive situation, especially if your friend has been looking for work for a while, can be challenging.
While there’s no-one-size-fits-all answer, I’ve learned from my experience as a career coach that certain types of consoling responses tend to be more useful than others.

 
7 Ways to Help When a Friend Doesn’t Get a Job
Here are seven ways to help your friend (or any other special person in your life, including your spouse or adult child) deal with the aftermath of an unexpected job rejection. For simplicity’s sake, throughout this piece I’m describing the friend as a woman, but the advice would be the same for a man:
1. Offer a sympathetic ear. Often the most important thing you can do, at least initially, is be a good listener.
Diane Machado, director of career development and internships at the College of Mount St. Vincent in Riverdale, N.Y., says, “The best thing to do is let them talk about what happened without trying to instantly provide advice.”
 While your instinct might be to immediately go into fix-it mode, it’s more important to be a sounding board. This will allow your friend to process the news and her emotions.

2. Acknowledge the loss. Let your friend know that you recognize how disappointed she is. A simple but heartfelt “I’m so sorry” is often the best thing to say.
Steer away from platitudes, like “everything happens for a reason” or “this is a blessing in disguise.” A phrase like that might come across as trivializing your friend’s pain. “It totally negates the feelings the person is having,” Machado says.
Of course, it's fine to agree with your friend if she concludes on her own that “everything happens for reason.” Just don't be the one to put those words in her mouth.

3. Be sensitive to the unspoken issues of your friend’s employment search. Her reaction to not getting the position might be about more than just the job. There are often a host of financial, logistical and family worries connected to finding work.
Your friend might be up at night thinking things like: Will we need to move? How long will it be before I find a job? Can we afford to pay our daughter’s college tuition next year?

Care Less!

I’ve often heard that people only start wanting you when they think that you don’t want them. It’s true; I’ve lived by it. Whether its business or friendships or especially romantic relationships, the person who cares less always seems to be the person who has the most power. At least that’s what it might feel like for the person that cares more. But I question whether this is true or not.

Just yesterday, some girlfriends and I were talking about boys and I quoted “If you never take it seriously, you never get hurt.” And it wouldn’t be the first time I’ve ultimately come off as cynical about relationships. lol People think it stems from really not caring; on the contrary, it stems from the fear of caring too much.

I know how to be the person who doesn’t text back, who doesn’t call back, who waits for the guy to make the first move, and who acts like I couldn’t care less whether he does or he doesn’t. Being this person comes natural to me because I have convinced myself that being the other person comes with too much potential damage. And I do think to an extent it does. I may never have truly had my heart broken, but I’ve known people who have; I’ve been there for them. And that shit isn’t fun. It’s depressing and devastating and oftentimes a really long journey to returning to being okay.

But the thing is I think people who put themselves out there; people who let you know they care a lot – I think that they have the right idea. I think the human heart especially when it’s young, is really resilient. I think that the journey to being okay when one’s heart has been broken is a journey that is usually worth facing even when love hasn’t done what you wanted. But when you’re the one who cares less, who apparently doesn’t care at all, you’ll go never go on this journey because you’ll convince yourself that you don’t need to. You convince yourself that you’re fine even when you’re not.

What people don’t seem to realize about the person who cares less or acts like they care less is that they’re usually the one who ends up being hurt the most. It is human to want love and to want to be taken care of and to want to take care of someone else. To deny that, is simply to deny one’s humanity. Being the “queen of not giving a shit” doesn’t make one healthier or stronger or wiser or cooler or even happier. It just makes you feel less human. It makes you feel, less and less.

When it’s all said and done, even people who are perfectly lonely and perfectly alone – still need their person. Whether it’s a romantic partner, a good friend, a loyal family member – everybody needs a person. And the truth is if you act like you don’t care enough, people will eventually start to believe you. So if you feel like you care too much or feel too much or love too much, remember that the alternative is worse. We should all try to seek balance because virtue is that middle ground between any two extremes. But when it comes to love, I don’t know if there is such a thing as loving too much or showing that you love too much. And if there is, I think it’s commendable; not something to be ashamed of. Because if you don’t tell people and show people that you do care, that you do have feelings for them, that you do love them, how the hell are they supposed to know?

So I suppose you can go through life thinking that eventually someone will break down all the walls that you’ve put up, because you don’t want anyone to know how much you can care; how much you can love. But life is short and people are busy. And maybe when the right person comes along, maybe they’ll see right through you. Maybe. But if you keep telling yourself that you don’t care, maybe you’ll also start believing it and you won’t even be able to see your person when you find them. So get out while you can and start giving a shit; and if your heart breaks, let it break. Because it’ll be okay. You will be okay.